Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
You Might Also Like
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Best spot.. 😅
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
a god among men
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.