eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
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me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.