Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
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I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
God has left this place
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
my mom making me talk to relatives
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”