I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
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Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
I’m not stressed
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
There’s only one good girl here!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?