Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
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Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
We’ve all been there…
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?