I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
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A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good