I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
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[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me