Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
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Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*