garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
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“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.