Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
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Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
I occasionally drink every single night.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
🤣
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.