Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
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[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY