Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
You Might Also Like
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Weirdly Wednesday.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food