US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
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(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
This headline is a thing of beauty
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
(by @ZachWeiner )
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?