My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
You Might Also Like
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN