My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
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I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Ken is short for chicken
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Fries, not lies.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.