… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
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You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much