I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
You Might Also Like
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]