Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
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Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
I have never related to a cat more
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.