In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
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I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun