Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
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Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.