Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
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She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
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