(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
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Brb my Sims are getting married
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral