April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
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Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*