Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
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I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk