Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
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I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.