“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
You Might Also Like
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
lumberjacks will cut a birch
just gave your address to some spiders
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…