I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
You Might Also Like
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire