Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
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*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot