Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
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If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.