I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
You Might Also Like
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
🙂🙃🥹
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
multitasking lunch
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.