Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
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A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)