Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
You Might Also Like
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Noah was an idiot.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break