Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
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The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
This could be us… but you playing
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”