We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
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I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.