He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
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Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.