Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
You Might Also Like
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
I had to Stop for this
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
New tinder profile pic
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Yes, but it was never about money