*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
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Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.