This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
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I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
My work here is done
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]