1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
You Might Also Like
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.