Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
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Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks