I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
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Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.