Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
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*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
pelicons
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
the red hot silly peppers
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
He-man has a Masters degree
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story