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vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Phones down.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.