Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
You Might Also Like
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up