I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
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are they though??
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.