professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
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If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol