Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
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Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
I feel seen.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Seems a bit forward
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.