me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
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Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Happy Caturday!
(True)
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
The smoothest fall of all time
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
damn he’s good
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.