Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
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My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.