This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
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“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.